I’ve just finished day 1 of my recurrent sim - a biannual occurrence which never fails to fill me with stress and anxiety.  I finished at midday today, and have felt completely exhausted and lethargic ever since, a physical side effect of this stress and anxiety.  The hardest thing I have found about being part time is how rusty I feel All The Time.  I am currently working 50%, but that is not helped by Covid, and border closures, which actually mean I am only flying once or twice a month.  I assume that once flying is back to normal, flying 2-3 times a week would be perfect - but right now I am strongly considering increasing my work days from a 5 day to a 7 day fortnight.  The thing is, it makes me feel incredibly guilty about being away from E that many days. 

A large part of parenthood so far, is discontent.  I’m not sure if that’s even the right word.  So many words can fit the bill, words such as sleepless, exhausted, irritated, exasperated, and sometimes even downright angry.  Nothing can begin to come close to describe the deep deep love I have for my daughter - how I would do absolutely anything for her - but when you’ve had little sleep, and a tiny tyrant is either rolling around on the floor screaming, or pulling at your clothes whining, sometimes you just don’t want to deal with it any more - and I guess “getting” to be away from her more (daycare/work) both brings relief AND guilt that I could possibly enjoy time without her. And I miss her too - deeply!

When we are together, I try to be the fun mum.  We go out a lot, we go to play centres, for walks (or jogging - me, not her), we go to the petting farm, we have even found a little toddler disco that she loves. And when she is busy and having fun she is oh so lovely. - and then we come home and Mum tries to have a cup of tea and then all hell breaks loose.  Or then when she wakes up first thing in the morning, and gives you the biggest grin and wraps her little arms around your neck… oh I never want those moments to end…

So, all this to say, I would love to be less rusty at work, and I would love to fly more - but I would also love to Have More Time with E, and Enjoy Her More (not always compatible with each other)… so I am somewhat torn.  I will probably have to increase my hours at work soon, but that doesn’t make it an easy call to make.