Other people’s opinions

When I was young, I don’t know, maybe 11-13 years old, I can clearly remember being outside in the garden, where a friend 2 years older than me and her mother openly laughed at me because I hadn’t started shaving my legs yet.

The first chance I got, I shaved my legs, and I have continued to do so my entire adult life.  Any time the hair even begins to show, I feel hideous, embarrassed, and remember the feeling of being laughed at.  But having leg hair is completely natural - isn’t it?

and there we have it - other people’s opinions, and how they influence our lives, and our life choices.

The biggest “opinion” I face on a relatively regular basis, is the opinion that I cannot “only” have one child.  “She’ll be lonely,” people say, in their all-knowing wisdom.  “What if something happens to her?” is another gem.  Well, for a start, no matter how many children I hypothetically had, losing one would be JUST as tragic and very much not replaced by their having a sibling!

People, the vast majority of them strangers, assume that they have the right to hold this opinion on how many children our family contains.  And for some reason, I often feel like I have to lay bare my soul, explain to the tiniest detail why we have made this decision.  Why should I have to share my birth story with a stranger?  Since when did they have any right to know our family’s financial situation, for instance.

It is quite incredible how much we value other people’s opinion.  Frankly, the only reason “another child” has ever been in my mind at all, is the thought of how others might view our one-and-done family.  

This platform, for now at least, is not somewhere that I want to share my birth story.  If you know me, and you want to ask, without demanding that I populate the world, or give my child “the greatest gift” of another human being for their very own (maybe a puppy would be more appropriate?) then I would be happy to share more with you.  I am merely exploring the idea that others really think they should have an opinion.

I have been listening to a podcast lately, and it has really made me think a lot about this.  Someone’s seemingly innocent question of “when are you having another one?” could be vastly inappropriate.  What if that family had suffered miscarriages before, or after, their living child was born?  What if they desperately had wanted a second and that was never to be?  I admit that I have been one of these people to ask these inappropriate questions.  Childless myself, at the time, and thinking nothing of it.  It all changes when you become a recipient of these opinions yourself. 

I can remember someone saying “it’s not a family unless you have at least 3 children”.  WOW.  Pretty much sure that gem needs its own paragraph.

When I was younger, I thought I would have more than one child.  In fact, I have always loved names, and from a child I have had a whole list of names to call my offspring, which changed every now and then - but in the end I didn’t use a single one, but chose a completely different name instead.  I used to think I would want boys (having been told, at least through actions, that “boys are better”) but when I actually fell pregnant, I desperately wanted a girl - and got one.  In fact, when I met David, I told him I only wanted one child, although I also changed that to “maybe two, 3 years apart”.  But now, we are very firmly back to One and Done, and we really shouldn’t have to justify it to anyone.

And before you, dear audience, say “but you could change your mind” etc etc.  Yes, we COULD, and if we do, that is our choice once again, and doesn’t mean we were wrong, or listened to any of you, or pretty much anything.  

And in the meantime - please stop.  If you have an opinion on someone’s family size, just keep it to yourself?  It really, really isn’t helpful, and sometimes it downright hurts.