No more birthday party

(For attention, a little bean giving its daddy a good morning hug)

 Now I’m just feeling sorry for myself.  

Everybody except for 1 person has canceled on my party tomorrow.  And that made me feel sad.  Before that, I closed the car boot on my head and that made me feel angry, and then it gave me a headache (yes, in that order), and then Emily started whinging at me and that made my headache worse and I slammed the garage door as hard as I could (she was already in the car, don’t worry) to try to let out some of the frustration, but other than making a really loud noise, it didn’t actually help.

And I’ve just checked my roster and I have lost all of my remaining flying for the month (I had six flights left) and now that has made me feel Even More Sad, and I am officially Feeling Sorry For Myself.

*sigh*

Just thought you should know. 

So what should I do with this extremely-free weekend?  If anyone actually reads this blog any more, ideas please!

Age is just a number

A photo just for attention of my child of the pandemic helping herself to hand sanitiser 
 

Age is just a number

This coming weekend, another year is done and my age increases yet again.  Even with a mask on, I often don’t get ID’d any more when I buy alcohol, and when I smile there are the beginnings of lines around my mouth and the corners of my eyes.  When I brush my hair, I notice more and more grey appearing as time goes by.

I don’t feel old, although that said, what does old feel like?  Sometimes I creak a little when I get up in the morning, or when I’ve done some unexpected exercise.  I don’t think I feel any different than I did as a teenager.  It’s strange how we change - and then maybe we stop changing.  Our bodies grow older, and perhaps we grow more tired, or maybe that’s just the addition of children and less sleep… but I am still me.  Do others change their opinions of me?  

I don’t feel like an adult, most of the time.  In a social setting I often feel like a fish out of water, trying to keep up with the conversation and understand the nuances.  One on one, I do okay, but when there are many people in a group I panic and lose track of the conversation.  Maybe that is something to do with progressive hearing loss - I don’t technically have hearing loss, but I struggle to hear an individual speak when there is a lot of background noise or cross conversation.  

I have decided to throw myself a birthday party.  I have a swimming pool for the very first time, so we are going to enjoy bubbly (strictly not champagne because I’m a cheapskate), doughnuts and cake, and I believe David is planning a barbecue to add a little savoury to the overwhelming sweetness.  I have only invited four people, I hope they come, but when trying to think of who to invite, I couldn’t actually think of anyone else here who is truly my friend.

I have friends overseas who I would invite, I have a friend or two in Melbourne who can’t get up here because of lockdown and border closures, but they’re not close friends.  They’re not people I would talk to all of the time.  In fact, of the four I have invited, only two would be in that category.  The others, in a way, were “numbers” but I couldn’t think of more to add.  I am not the kind of person who needs “quantity”, but prefers “quality”.  And if nobody ends up coming, I get to eat all of the cake and doughnuts and that has to be a good thing!

All this really says very little, and instead is just the meandering of my mind.  Maybe that also comes with age!  

I am not an old mother, nor a young mother, but in the more recent societal normal of career THEN kids.  I don’t feel old amongst my mum friends although I am the oldest of one of the groups.  Is this because I get down and dirty with my kid?  I never want to be the parent who sits on the sidelines watching while E plays, or swims, or adventures.  I want to be doing it all with her, participating in her childhood, her life.  So fingers crossed, I won’t Get Old or Grow Up too quickly.

 I’ve just finished day 1 of my recurrent sim - a biannual occurrence which never fails to fill me with stress and anxiety.  I finished at midday today, and have felt completely exhausted and lethargic ever since, a physical side effect of this stress and anxiety.  The hardest thing I have found about being part time is how rusty I feel All The Time.  I am currently working 50%, but that is not helped by Covid, and border closures, which actually mean I am only flying once or twice a month.  I assume that once flying is back to normal, flying 2-3 times a week would be perfect - but right now I am strongly considering increasing my work days from a 5 day to a 7 day fortnight.  The thing is, it makes me feel incredibly guilty about being away from E that many days. 

A large part of parenthood so far, is discontent.  I’m not sure if that’s even the right word.  So many words can fit the bill, words such as sleepless, exhausted, irritated, exasperated, and sometimes even downright angry.  Nothing can begin to come close to describe the deep deep love I have for my daughter - how I would do absolutely anything for her - but when you’ve had little sleep, and a tiny tyrant is either rolling around on the floor screaming, or pulling at your clothes whining, sometimes you just don’t want to deal with it any more - and I guess “getting” to be away from her more (daycare/work) both brings relief AND guilt that I could possibly enjoy time without her. And I miss her too - deeply!

When we are together, I try to be the fun mum.  We go out a lot, we go to play centres, for walks (or jogging - me, not her), we go to the petting farm, we have even found a little toddler disco that she loves. And when she is busy and having fun she is oh so lovely. - and then we come home and Mum tries to have a cup of tea and then all hell breaks loose.  Or then when she wakes up first thing in the morning, and gives you the biggest grin and wraps her little arms around your neck… oh I never want those moments to end…

So, all this to say, I would love to be less rusty at work, and I would love to fly more - but I would also love to Have More Time with E, and Enjoy Her More (not always compatible with each other)… so I am somewhat torn.  I will probably have to increase my hours at work soon, but that doesn’t make it an easy call to make.

 Other people’s opinions

When I was young, I don’t know, maybe 11-13 years old, I can clearly remember being outside in the garden, where a friend 2 years older than me and her mother openly laughed at me because I hadn’t started shaving my legs yet.

The first chance I got, I shaved my legs, and I have continued to do so my entire adult life.  Any time the hair even begins to show, I feel hideous, embarrassed, and remember the feeling of being laughed at.  But having leg hair is completely natural - isn’t it?

and there we have it - other people’s opinions, and how they influence our lives, and our life choices.

The biggest “opinion” I face on a relatively regular basis, is the opinion that I cannot “only” have one child.  “She’ll be lonely,” people say, in their all-knowing wisdom.  “What if something happens to her?” is another gem.  Well, for a start, no matter how many children I hypothetically had, losing one would be JUST as tragic and very much not replaced by their having a sibling!

People, the vast majority of them strangers, assume that they have the right to hold this opinion on how many children our family contains.  And for some reason, I often feel like I have to lay bare my soul, explain to the tiniest detail why we have made this decision.  Why should I have to share my birth story with a stranger?  Since when did they have any right to know our family’s financial situation, for instance.

It is quite incredible how much we value other people’s opinion.  Frankly, the only reason “another child” has ever been in my mind at all, is the thought of how others might view our one-and-done family.  

This platform, for now at least, is not somewhere that I want to share my birth story.  If you know me, and you want to ask, without demanding that I populate the world, or give my child “the greatest gift” of another human being for their very own (maybe a puppy would be more appropriate?) then I would be happy to share more with you.  I am merely exploring the idea that others really think they should have an opinion.

I have been listening to a podcast lately, and it has really made me think a lot about this.  Someone’s seemingly innocent question of “when are you having another one?” could be vastly inappropriate.  What if that family had suffered miscarriages before, or after, their living child was born?  What if they desperately had wanted a second and that was never to be?  I admit that I have been one of these people to ask these inappropriate questions.  Childless myself, at the time, and thinking nothing of it.  It all changes when you become a recipient of these opinions yourself. 

I can remember someone saying “it’s not a family unless you have at least 3 children”.  WOW.  Pretty much sure that gem needs its own paragraph.

When I was younger, I thought I would have more than one child.  In fact, I have always loved names, and from a child I have had a whole list of names to call my offspring, which changed every now and then - but in the end I didn’t use a single one, but chose a completely different name instead.  I used to think I would want boys (having been told, at least through actions, that “boys are better”) but when I actually fell pregnant, I desperately wanted a girl - and got one.  In fact, when I met David, I told him I only wanted one child, although I also changed that to “maybe two, 3 years apart”.  But now, we are very firmly back to One and Done, and we really shouldn’t have to justify it to anyone.

And before you, dear audience, say “but you could change your mind” etc etc.  Yes, we COULD, and if we do, that is our choice once again, and doesn’t mean we were wrong, or listened to any of you, or pretty much anything.  

And in the meantime - please stop.  If you have an opinion on someone’s family size, just keep it to yourself?  It really, really isn’t helpful, and sometimes it downright hurts. 

A very small update

There is very little to say!  Since my last post, I have been home, waiting for this small child to arrive, and trying not to go completely mad.  It helps that I am an introvert - although an extroverted introvert most of the time (yes, that’s a thing).  Up until last week, I was swimming most days at Settlement Cove in Redcliffe.

During the week it has been very quiet and gloriously relaxing to paddle around without feeling the weight of my ever expanding middle.

However, last week the weather changed to about 10Degrees colder (so still mid 20s) and it doesn’t really feel like swimming weather any more.  Now, I’m trying to go for a walk twice a day to try to walk Bub out!

Lily is loving all of the walks!

I am now 39 weeks and 3 days and The Child is due on Sunday (Mothering Sunday).  It is definitely becoming a little concerning with the virus around so I am not going anywhere with Concentrated People, like shopping centres, for the foreseeable future.  There doesn’t seem to be much if any research on the effects of this thing on newborns, so better safe than sorry!

We are hoping that The Child decides to grace us with her presence soon - I’m not sure I can get much bigger!  But they won’t book an induction until 40+10

which I believe is 1 April.

We shall see...

Last night was our last (of five ) antenatal classes, and I’m looking forward to having our Thursday evenings back!  This week has been particularly busy with Monday night at C&A’s house, Wednesday at J&E’s, last night antenatal and then tonight a friend of Dave’s and his family are coming for dinner.  Bring on a quiet weekend!

Part of the last class was to visit the birthing suite, and it was very strange being up there.  Seeing the bed and all of the equipment like incubators, stirrups, etc. made me feel like an alien, completely out of place.  I didn’t feel like I belonged there, I looked at all of the other women and their partners and thought ah yes, they’re all having babies, but I didn’t feel like that myself.  I’m a pilot, I’m not one of these!  It was very surreal.

A slightly funny note was during the class when we were all instructed to dress and swaddle dolls, which was very easy (it was demonstrated first) and I was joking around as usual (and finished first) and the midwife asked “so, Kate, what do you do for a job?”  It was quite amusing to reply “I’m a pilot,” and see the stunned faces!  “I was not expecting that!” she said.  I’m not sure if it was the joking around that prompted the question, or the quick and efficient dressing of the doll, but it was amusing!

We have also had lots of practise swaddling the dog (this photo is from August!)

From next Monday, I apparently have to get doctors’ certificates to say I could work, if work wanted me to work (which they don’t), in other words, to ensure that I keep getting paid.  I’m hoping to get paid for another 3 weeks (up to 37 weeks) at least before going on official ‘maternity leave.’  So 3 exceedingly pointless trips to the doctor!  I haven’t worked since Christmas, when I stopped flying, but work didn’t have any office work (‘safe work’) for me to do, so they have just been paying me to sit at home.

I have, however, managed to use my sitting at home usefully!  I am currently working on filling a chest freezer with meals.  It’s not a large freezer - 146L I believe - but we got it secondhand off FB marketplace and it is very satisfying to fill.  So far, I have made enchiladas, lasagne, tuna fish pie and cottage pie.  Not sure what the next recipe will be, but I accept ideas!  These meals are for when Joey comes home from the hospital, although with Dave home the first couple of weeks, I will probably try to save most for when he starts his new job on 14 April.

So many cottage pies!

On the subject of Dave’s new job, that is also news.  Dave was asked to interview at a company last year - probably in May or June, if memory serves me right.  He never even applied for the job - but after interviewing, they said he did really well but they didn’t actually know if they needed him!  In November, he suddenly got a call saying “can you start on Monday” and obviously the answer was no, as he had way too much work (and responsibilities) at the current job.  He replied saying that he did want to work for them, but that with commitments plus the new baby due 22 March, it was likely to be April before he could realistically start.  Everything went deathly quiet.

And then, in late January, they contacted him again, asking him to come in for a meeting, and offered him a start date of 14 April.  This gives him time (hopefully) to wrap everything up at his current place, and finish up around the time that Joey is due.  And even if she is late, he should still be able to have around 2 weeks at home with us.  

It is going to be quite an adjustment for Dave, of course.  Having been an aircraft engineer for 25 years, it is not a small thing to walk away from.  He is now going to be instructing engineering, and that is going to be a challenge for him, as standing in front of a group of people isn’t exactly something with which he is comfortable!  

So it is going to be a big year for all of us... new year, new baby, new job, no flying for me, etc etc.  hopefully we will come through it :)

And for now... I must clean the house a bit in preparation for our visitors tonight! 

The preparations have started!  2 months to go... and I’m beginning to think about what I need to do before Joey arrives.  Slowly, the clothes, blankets, etc. are being washed, and I’ve just started doing meal prep.  We bought a secondhand chest freezer a few weeks ago and the plan is to fill it before the birth so the workload is reduced afterwards.  But since we bought it, life has stayed busy so I have only just started cooking!  It’s just a little bit inconvenient now as staying on my feet for any length of time makes my pelvis ache.

I had another check up on Monday and everything was perfect with Bub, measuring exactly 31weeks at 31 weeks which I assume puts her in the 50th percentile.  Not 100% sure how that works though.  She is super active and loves bouncing off the walls of my uterus - it is now very easy (and frequent!) to feel the hard knobbles of her feet and knees moving in and out.  She is still moving around at this stage as her head isn’t yet locked in my pelvis, but she is lying head down just rolling her body back and forth (ow).

We had our baby shower on Saturday, which a couple of friends organised, which was really lovely.  

I tried not to think about how far away from family we are, but it really would have been nice to spend the day with them as well.  I did post a multitude of photos on FB that people can look at.  This just happens to be the only one I have on my phone, as Dave took the others!

Shortly, we are going swimming, which is really the only activity I can do lots of - walking etc really hurts my pelvis and when I am swimming I feel weightless which makes a change.

And that’s about it for now... oh yes!  Dave got a new job starting mid April, which is very exciting news.  His current company is still struggling and we are very excited about the move - although it is going to be quite the career change and adjustment for him.  At least he has almost 3 months to prepare for it.

adios!