Today it really hit me that this is home. I've lived here for three months now, and it really feels like home. My house, my garden, my room, my place.
A sense of belonging, I guess, which I definitely didn't have at the crazy last place. I get on really well with my current housemate (and his girlfriend), and I actually live here. It's great.
And I really don't want to leave.
Sometimes I second guess myself, wondering if I made the right choice by not applying for a Canberra command, and then I have days like this where it's all peaceful and I know this is where I can just be. And being is so elusive, so hit and miss, that when it happens, I don't want it to end. I got to that stage when I was sharing with J & S, and unfortunately it did end, and that was hard. Maybe that would have been a good time to move to Canberra. But not now, I can't just now.
I find myself living with a this-is-temporary attitude, and that's tough. Such as 'well I can't plant perennials in the garden, because I don't know where I'll be after this season.' A feeling of not wanting to commit to anything, and it's such a waste of life! I've got to be, now, but when I look ahead and all I see is change, it's incredibly hard.
I don't actually know why I'm writing all this, but it seemed applicable today. The sunflower seeds are germinating and four out of eight tiny seedlings have pushed themselves above the soil (in six days, opposed to ten to fourteen written on the packet) and it made me feel happy to be.
Tomorrow I'm off on the road again, but soon I'll be back, and I'll pull into the driveway and feel relieved, and home, and that will be good. A sense of homecoming that is so much more important than I often realise.